Meh

I have struggled over topics to blog about this weekend. I have no profound insights or humor for ya. The past week here was all over the place. First our dryer broke and we spent a good amount of days and nights playing catch up with all that had stunk up and accumulated in my laundry room. My little guy got new glasses. Another kid had an ear infection. The middle is struggling to figure out what he wants to do as an extracurricular activity. My nurse was here part time, but even so I had no energy to go to the YMCA. I watched Hulu every night until 3 or 4 am. I wonder how I can help others. Make an impact. Be the best version of myself, as I snack at 2 in the morning. The best part of the week was catching a movie with some old friends.

I am not really ready for the month of March. There is a lot to prepare for and do. The hubs is traveling of course. There is an upcoming surgery, birthdays and Spring Breaks.

Hopefully I will have some inspiration for you next week. Take care of yourselves out there, friends.

Mishandling

There are easy things in life, we mishandle. The hard as well.

It is easy to smile, but not be content.

It is easy to encourage, but not take help.

It is easy to write the check, but not take the hit to the account.

It is easy to play nice on social media, but not always amid public gatherings.

It is easy to think that you have life the hardest, but not to see others hurting with their struggle.

Those are just some typical identifiers.

The way we deal with these feelings and emotions set us up for either failure or growth. We get to choose. I want my smile to come from being content, not just saving face. I want to be able to suck up my pride and ask or receive help without considering it to be a sign of weakness. I want to care less about what people really think when it involves my personal decisions, or even how I fix my hair or dress. I want to stay humble in my walk so that I do not dismiss another ones hurt while stewing on my own. I have been mishandling. Haven’t you? You see, the easy things, the hard things…they can all be mishandled. It is only when we find it within ourselves to learn from them that we can actually be free. Allow yourself to be. I will try as well.

Protecting ones heart...

Last week was heart week for the amazing kiddos in our community and around the globe. They have faced battles we could not even dream to understand. But as a mother, I find I have my own heart problem. You likely do as well.

My heart problem is management. Trying to figure out how to keep it soft enough to extend grace, but hard enough to not be offended by everything the world throws at me and my family. Balance.

This is something that we as special needs parents really manage poorly. You see, we invest so much of our time protecting the hearts, sometimes literally, of those we love, that we lose sight of our own.

I challenge you to examine yourself and see where you are on this avenue of heart care. If you are too hardened, figure out why. If you are too emotional, let go of the words that are eating away at you, or the stares from strangers or the defeating news you received. Gather it all together and get your balance.

We can’t nurture others hearts if ours are in dire need of repair.

The Struggle Between Expectation and Reality

Expectations. We all have them, don’t even kid yourself. There are the times we have been uplifted during fulfillment of these said expectations, but the more recognized and remembered times would be when we are let down. The fact is, when we are let down, it is a gut punch, kick in the face kind of feeling. Reality is so brutal.

Now bear in mind, it is healthy to have expectations. These set a standard for what kind of person you want to be with in a relationship. It plays a role in choosing a physician for your child. They can take on different faces on so many levels, and so many other avenues stem from it.

The hard part, at-least for me, is how I allow it to manifest. If and when I am let down, to the point of defeat, can I pull out from this broken expectation? When one is met, do I become arrogant or egregious? Lately, it is easier to wallow in defeat. At which point I think, why even have an expectation anyway? I do not like when it hurts. There are enough daggers being thrown my way.

So my blog today is more to gauge what “you” think. This will not leave you with a fuzzy feeling, but rather a contemplative one.

How do you handle reality and expectations?

Friendships

When you step into the role of a parent that has a special needs child, everything changes. Everything. Friends become put on the back burner as do other vital people, issues and responsibilities. It is a juggling act that none of us have mastered. None of us ever will by the way. Amid the stress of everyday, it is easy for many of us to pull away from the world. Friends, real friends, they see you. They know you need to come back. You need to remember you have your own identity. I am thankful for the friends that make plans because they know I desperately need adult interaction. Selfless. Those who have been there in the trenches. I am thankful for the ones that I do not hardly ever see, but I feel their prayers nonetheless. I am thankful for the new friendships that have evolved from joining the community of special needs. There is so much that gets lost in the juggle. So I need to shout it out, I recognize you, friends. I hold you high even when I lack the energy to express it. Thank you for your words of validation. Thank you for supporting my child’s non-profit 5k’s and events. Thank you for loving not just me, but my whole crazy family. Thank you for the messages reminding me that I am not alone. Thank you. Thank you. And thank you. You inspire me to be a better friend.

Flu.

I honestly think the disposition I have surrounding sickness is a bit neurotic. It is likely I have shared with you my love of hand washing and adoration for hand sanitizer. We have the smell good ones, the plain ones. You can find them in the house, bathrooms and of course, all the vehicles. It is almost a passion of mine to make sure you are safe and clear from germs. The teenagers give an ole eye roll the second they have to get in the van with me after a social event. I have the top off ready to squirt hands before the door is even closed. I think my husband pacifies me when I buy him extras to carry in his pockets while he travels around the great state. Crazy? Oh well! Let me explain…

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One must not fault a mother when she is protective.. There is always a sincere reason why and how the intensity came to pass. At least for me there is a multitude of reasons. For the flu season of 2020, the bubble I tried to keep us all in , let’s see, lasted about three months. If you knew the amount of admits, oxygen tanks, breathing treatments, doctors, meds and tears that have come to pass within G’s 10 years, all due to germs, you would maybe appreciate my dramatics in this department. Currently, “big man” is on oxygen full time…again. Finished not his first, but second, round of Tamiflu this season. I can’t just give him honey and tea folks. These types of viruses are game-changers. Deadly even. I go there too, in my mind. I go back to hospitalizations where I witnessed him turn gray, gasping for air. But thank you Jesus, so far this flu bout, we have not landed back there as I dreaded. Maybe I do not not give his little amazingly tough body enough credit for all it endures and has endured. Beside the point. What is my point?

Simple.

There are kids and adults out there who can work 9 to 5, or go to school, cook for the kids at dinner time or finish homework, train for a 5k or knock out ball practice all while being under the weather. There are kids and adults who assume that because they feel a tad bit better after Nyquil, it is free and clear to hit Target. These folks can hang. The immunity possessed in their normal functioning bodies is in fact stronger than some. There will be school days missed and work as well here and there. Now, I have been on both ends of the spectrum here. I have been a single working mother and I know how hard finding child care can be or even fear calling in to your job. This is not to be taken lightly either. But, for my point, let us visit another setting. Close your eyes and picture, a child not as healthy as the before mentioned. Maybe picture one in the hospital. Find great comfort in the fact that you are not thinking about your own, healthy ones. How about yourself? Put yourself in the Mother or Fathers shoes of this sick child. What sacrifices must they have made? Much more than meets the eye. So, after processing the machines you see and monitor sounds going off at all hours, remind your rather healthy self that you are at home. In your own bed. That is where your healthy child can heal too. So, I plead with you out there from this perspective, stay home until you are really well. No fevers. No diarrhea. Get that emphysema sounding cough to settle down. If you can’t, then get back to the doctor. Get the antibiotics. Eat the chicken noodle. Hey, you can try honey and tea. In doing so, you are helping protect some pretty valuable people. In doing so, you are telling me that you get it.

Date day with my Son

So this week after school when the nurse was home watching the little guy, I took my oldest son to Starbucks. He looked confused and asked if something was wrong. Why would anything have to be wrong for me to have a cup of coffee with you? I said. It burned my heart and convicted me that I really was not doing a good job loving him like I should be. It is hard to manage time. Splitting it a hundred different ways, ultimately someone or something gets more while others get the left over. This is our date day I told him.

Starbucks was not busy, which I am sure was a huge relief for him since he is 15 after all. I asked him what was new and he proceeded to tell me all about other people. After listening for a minute, I stopped him. I want to hear about “you”. He seemed stuck then, not sure what to say. He just smiled, laughed and said, nothings new. Do I really not take the time to dig deep enough for him to tell me more than surface stories? Did he feel like he was getting my left overs? Ugh. I pray not. He is such a super awesome, and amazing kid. I see such greatness in his future and light in his eyes. I see such growth in the past year with maturity and decisions he has made. Does he feel like I have been a sideline observer or that I was in the game with him? Does he feel the love I hold for him?

So I intend to do better with my day dates. I don’t care if he thinks I am cool or not. I care that he knows I am in it with him. You know, this game of life. It is ever shifting and changing. The struggle will always be hard managing what to do and when and on and on. But from here on out, I vow to always make time for that cup of coffee.

Looking up from the rabbit hole...

Never have I envisioned throwing the towel in and running away more than lately. I am in a season where I have basically no control of most things. Some days I want to hide away from the world in my little “hole” here at home, and other days I can not wait to get out of this blasted house I have been hostage in. It is quite the conundrum.

My oldest leaves for college tomorrow. Thank God and yikes. The bipolar emotional roller coaster I live on these days leaves me as nauseated as a real one would. She has changed so much lately. Much not that I care for, and yet I am left having to smile through everything and be the ever positive cheerleader. I hate cheer-leading by the way. As parents, we all struggle with the bird flying the nest. We struggle with the intimidation of life and reality trumping all of our rules and lessons we have taught through the 18 to 19 years. It is just unsettling.

Then in my case, you add the middle child and the special little fella to the mix and it heightens anxieties. One started a new school, the other has an upcoming surgery. The husband travels so it bears on me to carry basically everything else. More anxiety. I try to play nice most of the time and curl my hair and have dinner ready. But lets be serious, I can barely fathom how to remove my exhausted body from the bed, that is, when I do sleep.

So tomorrow marks a monumental day in the Amos home. It marks the end of childhood “officially” for the big girl. It mocks me, did I do everything I could? Did she take it all in? Is her left hook still on point? I have cried. I have frowned. She has done both as well..

With each fleeting “what do I have to do next” idea that flutters in my mind, the intention I find is clear. Acceptance of the uncontrollable. Freeing myself from all the above nonsensical self doubts. Acknowledging my mortality and leaving the super woman cape for the movies.

Well, I will try.

Sentiments

It is almost time for school to start back after the long holiday break. We are in that between moment where you don’t know whether to finish off all the leftovers and nap, or shower and appreciate the sales. Meanwhile, the season brings its lovely dose of hysteria revolving around sickness. I have used 2 full bottles of Lysol in my house this month alone. It is so bizarre to me that the time of year involving the most peace and joy also slaps us with the most threatening illnesses and germfests. Sigh.

As I look into what has now begun, 2020, I am pleased with the ease of my anxiety. Normally it is at its highest and annoying to most. But, I am appreciating where we are at as a whole. Our family is still together, despite years of managing some very strenuous situations. Our older children are reasonably happy and uplifting people. My little boy is thriving on some levels. Frankly, the fact that God has given us 10 years with him is blowing my mind. Many of you don’t expect to deliver your child and constantly be aware of his or her mortality, but this is where we stay. This is why I hoard Lysol wipes and cans, and cuss under my breath when I pass someone out in a store coughing. This is on the other hand my greatest reward in remembering all that he has overcome. Regardless of what tomorrow may hold. Regardless of any of it.

So as I see it, I will embrace the sentiment of the day and live here. You?