Never have I envisioned throwing the towel in and running away more than lately. I am in a season where I have basically no control of most things. Some days I want to hide away from the world in my little “hole” here at home, and other days I can not wait to get out of this blasted house I have been hostage in. It is quite the conundrum.
My oldest leaves for college tomorrow. Thank God and yikes. The bipolar emotional roller coaster I live on these days leaves me as nauseated as a real one would. She has changed so much lately. Much not that I care for, and yet I am left having to smile through everything and be the ever positive cheerleader. I hate cheer-leading by the way. As parents, we all struggle with the bird flying the nest. We struggle with the intimidation of life and reality trumping all of our rules and lessons we have taught through the 18 to 19 years. It is just unsettling.
Then in my case, you add the middle child and the special little fella to the mix and it heightens anxieties. One started a new school, the other has an upcoming surgery. The husband travels so it bears on me to carry basically everything else. More anxiety. I try to play nice most of the time and curl my hair and have dinner ready. But lets be serious, I can barely fathom how to remove my exhausted body from the bed, that is, when I do sleep.
So tomorrow marks a monumental day in the Amos home. It marks the end of childhood “officially” for the big girl. It mocks me, did I do everything I could? Did she take it all in? Is her left hook still on point? I have cried. I have frowned. She has done both as well..
With each fleeting “what do I have to do next” idea that flutters in my mind, the intention I find is clear. Acceptance of the uncontrollable. Freeing myself from all the above nonsensical self doubts. Acknowledging my mortality and leaving the super woman cape for the movies.
Well, I will try.