We are all so immensely thankful to be home and resume some form of normalcy. To make plans and get outside of the house. The ability to take a big breath in, hold it with my eyes closed, and end by exhaling gratitude as all the heavy leaves my body. It is intentional that I think upon these things. I do not want to become one who neglects the blessings. There is a tug of war that awaits with other thoughts to dominate ones heart. I know too well the other end of that spectrum.
The monster.
A battle between grief and fear that encapsulates you. It sneakily enters with flash backs. Haunts you with the worst of memories. Next it sets itself up to hit replay and traps you in a time warp, which moves right into an emotional loop. It cages you there. And the worst part is, you never know when it is coming. I am talking about PTSD, and in my arena, I am specifically referring to the medical side. There is another form of this which is more relevant to us specifically, you may or may not have heard of. We call it CTSD, a relative to the latter, only referring to chronic traumatic stress disorder. When it is ongoing, we say “chronic”. There are post/past traumas we relive as well but knowing that the ball could drop again at any moment can seize you in custody of this trauma monster. It is unforgiving and relentless. Cruel. You can’t pill this thing away. You simply have to go through the fog until the fog clears. And boy is that an overly simplistic way of putting it.
Sadly, there aren’t many specialists trained in this area. (I have been harping at every politician that will endure me about making this more accessible.)
In reference to my own sanity, to protect my heart, I try my best to prevent its entering by flooding my thoughts with thanksgiving. Because I am thankful, so humbly thankful. Beyond thankful. I do not want to be robbed of that. Sadly, that is the nature of the beast. If you know someone who you think may be experiencing their time in the fog, I say love on them. Remind them that fear is a liar. Make them take that big breath and blow all that ugly on out with them. Hug them tight. Fill their minds with reassurance. That could perhaps disconnect them from the hamster wheel. Be present, because they aren’t, and that can be scary place to have run out of gas.
Please do not hear my saying I know all about escaping this thing. Like I have said before, somedays the smallest smell can act as a trigger. But there are other days one might be able to unclench their fists and jaw. I have. My hope is, if you are struggling today, that you feel validated in your frustration. If you need something to take your mind out of the hole of lost thoughts, that you could try to be intentional in gratitude for life, or life of your loved one/ones. Say it out loud if you want. Hell, scream it. And I am here if you need someone. We all need someone. And we all need these reminders. Trauma takes hostages. If you aren’t fighting the monster, then be the bullhorn, friend.