This week, my son’s birthday present went to Heaven. The only thing he asked for was a green frog to name Kermit. July to October…I suppose is better odds than we would have gotten with a goldfish.
It brought up some new emotions and questions that he has never been aware of prior to this event. We have lost loved ones and been to multiple funerals and graveyards, but nothing ever clicked.
Will I die? He asked me. (Super heavy hit to my PTSD Medical Mommy heart). It immediately started racing and I started going back there, to my memories, to those fears, still fresh. I could almost not breath.
Yes, my love. I said. We all die. It is part of life. That is why we have to make it the best life we can, ya know? I replied. Oh! Yes, ok. he said. But, I don’t want you and Daddy to die. I know buddy, I know. But this is not the end. We can always look to the sky and imagine Heaven. That is where our family members and friends have gone. I bet they are even watching Kermit for you! I don’t like dying, he says. I choke. I do not like it either. So lets just remember all the fun memories we shared and live each day showing love to one another.
Got it. He says.
My heart is collapsed now. I am already pleading with my tears to stay back. If he only knew the many times I have seen death, with him. If he only knew the sentiments I say, are harder for me to do. If he only knew that this talk is one that is so hard for me.
I am thankful for the fact that he has grown up so much that I can have discussions like this. That part makes me rejoice. But, there is always a dark corner in the back of my mind that is haunting when referred. I wish that he would out live us all. If he ran the world, it would be full of wonder, joy and empathy.
Death is heavy. Death is hard. Even if it is with a silly old Kermit frog.