My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way.
Ernest Hemingway
Ever sit and wonder what others think of you. If your friends really are your friends. Will you come out of this challenge on top or fold? Generalities, these are. But used to paint a picture of how one can allow them self to go crazy if not careful. You create either your own prison or garden to dwell in.
I am sure since you are human, you have arrived in both stations. It is a fair assessment to say that one should not unload at the first stop.
If we are being honest, I stay there way more than I should. Especially lately with isolation, and impersonal relationships. Seems like reality is destined to be bizarre for my immediate family from here on out. I have accepted this, really I have. But also this may contribute to much of the nonsense that goes on in my head. When I watch everyone else vacation, eat out together, wear no masks, enjoy life freely, I sigh thinking, sure must be nice. When I observe the lives of others not being impacted similarly in line with the magnitude mine has. I have an eye roll or two, not gonna lie. Sure, I could choose to do life that way too. But my medical PTSD grips me ever so tight these days. Seeing my kid blue and gray needing oxygen time and time again for years with respiratory illness and lung disease, (even still), makes me cautious. To not be able to count the number of hospital admissions that held nights of no sleep, needle sticks, treatments, tests, worries and heartache. Exhaustive prayers begging to keep my child alive. Makes me a bit less willing. Lots of tears there I should add. Lots to hold in ones heart. To hear death rates and all the loss breaks my ability to want to surface at all somedays.
Is this other peoples fault, my life events? Of course not. Should this make me resentful from all that I see happening as I am in a stand still? The right answer is no, but I do get that way. Should this make me bitter at the non-compliant world? Again, should be a no. However, I want to scream, and have and then some. This is not a blog carrying on about “woe is me”. Know that I am not trying to judge you. Of course in my mind, I conceive all sorts of things you think of me though. Hence, the vicious cycle.
As mothers, we hold the heavy all the time anyway. To throw another turnip in the truck makes the load tilt, wobble and nearly collapse. (If you can’t get the theory, consider it all a life analogy just referenced in a southern way.) And such is my outlook as of late. I am not supposed to covet or withhold joy for others. I am supposed to be ever strong and vigilant in this sorcery of life altering events. But guess what, I am not. Sometimes, I am quite angry. Throw sad, disappointed, and despaired in there while we are at it.
We are all frail and flawed humans at the end of each day. All given liberty to choose. You wear your mask or you don’t. You find yourself in my boat, or you don’t. If you look ever so closely, there is a silver lining hiding in plain sight. A reminder. It is ok to be this way. I even recall a book about it. You know, it’s ok to NOT be ok…
For those of you not in my boat, I ask that you become aware of the fact that others may be not as able as you. Reach out. It would be lovely to not always be the one doing the reaching. Also know that if I read a grumbling post written by you, I am gagging. Sorry.
Now for the rest of us, let yourself off the hook if the spin cycle decides to wash you out today. And I am speaking to myself here as well. These feelings and emotions may linger through tomorrow. Or even the next week. How can we expect the wounds of this world to heal if we do not validate our own and nurse them. Dispelling the viciousness and non-sense is a God job. It is beyond my scope of reconciling, and frankly I am too tired.
But I would like to get out of prison. There is no lock. I must remember, the garden is waiting.