Am I the only one out there who has a brain that will not ever shut off?
Anxiety, much?
I feel like there is this incessant import of “what if’s” popping in and out regarding one situation or another. Detective mode runs on a continuous mode searching out answers for cures for my son. This results in constant research and the ongoing pursuit of education. Holistic, sure. Alternative medicines, let me learn more. Whatever avenue we can ride down that will help/work. Let me hold it and feel it out. Ponder it and then again.
The responsibility of being in charge of another humans life is extreme. You get it.
I am my biggest critic. I hold the bag of imponderable control. I must make sure that if it can be done, I have done it, or will do it or have thought it through, or so on and so on. If it can be pursued, that is has been charged full throttle. If there is a cough around, a hand that hasn’t been sanitized, a med that was given a bit late, it is on me to comandante the problem at hand. If there are different specialists out there, therapists, apps, books, whatever, I feel my gut sink as I struggle, questioning the best thing to do. It is my job, right? Lives do count on my choices and decisions.
Heavy is the head that wears the Mom crown.
I just want to be able to say, I gave everything to make it the best life for him. Does this mean I am a tyrant over my own home? Does this make me a worse mother, or a better one for never settling. How do you find that peaceful divide where thriving and settling meet?
There is no doctorate that I can earn from this work. There is not really any kind of validation that would even fit the description of what it is I am doing.
One thing is for sure. I am not going to relinquish the crazy. I do not care what people think. You should do for your child as you see best, just as I am with mine. And I think that is where it all comes out in the wash.